A Schoolmaster from a remote rural area in Bihar was transferred to a new School in Mumbai.
He reported for duty two days before August 15 and, as was the practice in the school, was asked to address the school assembly on Independence Day.
Here's his dynamite speech:
Leddies and Gentulmens, Contemporaries, Children,
"This is my first maiden speech. If small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon.
Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following reason. Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I put complaint on stationmaster. He said me to go to lady clerk. At first, she also rejected. I then pressed her for long time and, at last, with great difficulty she gave a birth only to my son. Anyway, I thanked the stationmaster because he was responsible for getting birth of my son.
We got independent because of great leadersz linke Gundhiji who get-outted all angrezi peoples from India. Tilak said Swaraj is our birth rate and we shall halve it.
Today we all have our birth-rate. You children are future dynamic generators of the Nation. Look into future time only. No backside looking, or looking at your behind.
Be like great like X' raj Ranjan of Germany or Presidents like Loosebelt, Dim Butter, Lipton etc. You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety seven percent evaporation.
They became great by reading great books. After we finish you off here in the school, you can go to college and get B.A., M.A., M.A.M.A and other decrease.
Then you can become great liars in the supreme courts, shattered accountants, or lecherers in college.
The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, classroom is the soil. We will bury you in this soil; pour water of knowledge on your heads and one day you all will become great phools.
Many vacancy job come in papers. Only yesterday I saw in paper "Wanted for refuted engineering firm: - Generators, highpower condensors" so and so forth, etc. These jobs may be teknickel, but you can shine.
If you have flare in English, you can become teacher.
I am now ending this fastly.
My God blast you!
Thank you and thank God!
Showing posts with label Indian English. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Indian English. Show all posts
Monday, August 13, 2007
Monday, May 7, 2007
English can't get mysterious than this!!
Mysteries of Anatomy
Where can a man buy a cap for his knee,
Or the key to a lock of his hair?
Can his eyes be called an academy
Because there are pupils there?
Is the crown of your head where jewels are found?
Who travels the bridge of your nose?
If you wanted to shingle the roof of your mouth,
Would you use the nails on your toes?
Can you sit in the shade of the palm of your hand,
Or beat on the drum of your ear?
Can the calf in your leg eat the corn off your toe?
Then why not grow corn on the ear?
Can the crook in your elbow be sent to jail?
If so, just what did he do?
How can you sharpen your shoulder blades?
I'll be darned if I know -- do you?
Where can a man buy a cap for his knee,
Or the key to a lock of his hair?
Can his eyes be called an academy
Because there are pupils there?
Is the crown of your head where jewels are found?
Who travels the bridge of your nose?
If you wanted to shingle the roof of your mouth,
Would you use the nails on your toes?
Can you sit in the shade of the palm of your hand,
Or beat on the drum of your ear?
Can the calf in your leg eat the corn off your toe?
Then why not grow corn on the ear?
Can the crook in your elbow be sent to jail?
If so, just what did he do?
How can you sharpen your shoulder blades?
I'll be darned if I know -- do you?
Monday, April 30, 2007
Weird ways of the Indians
* No Indian is just born; he's brought into the world. He studies at an institution, he will not go to a school. And he'll peruse his books, not read them. Nor will he ever eat, but consume what he does.
* The average Indian goes marketing instead of shopping, and will always purchase groceries, never buy foodstuff.
* The average Indian goes marketing instead of shopping, and will always purchase groceries, never buy foodstuff.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
'ellow, 'ellow, is anyone listening?
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Indian went to England for an interview. They were asked to form a sentence using the three words: yellow, green and pink.
The first one was the Italian: (I wake up in the morning and I see the yellow sun, the green grass and I think about myself and I hope it will be a pink day....)
The next was the French : (I wake up in the morning and I eat the yellow banana, the green pepper and I watch the pink panther on the TV....)
The last one was the Indian : (I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone "green green" and I pink up the phone and I say yellow!!
The first one was the Italian: (I wake up in the morning and I see the yellow sun, the green grass and I think about myself and I hope it will be a pink day....)
The next was the French : (I wake up in the morning and I eat the yellow banana, the green pepper and I watch the pink panther on the TV....)
The last one was the Indian : (I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone "green green" and I pink up the phone and I say yellow!!
A dreadful language?
...More humor for those confused in learning English:
We'll begin with box, and the plural is boxes;
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.
Then one fowl is goose, but two are called geese
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a whole lot of mice,
But the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
When couldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
The cow in the plural may be cows or kine,
But the plural of vow is vows, not vine.
And I speak of a foot, and you show me your feet,
But I give a boot -- would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
If the singular is this and plural is these,
Why shouldn't the plural of kiss be nicknamed kese?
Then one may be that, and three may be those,
Yet the plural of hat would never be hose;
We speak of a brother, and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
The masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis, and shim!
So our English, I think you will all agree,
Is the trickiest language you ever did see.
I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble, but not you
On hiccough, thorough, slough, and through?
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps
To learn of less familiar traps?
Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead; it's said like bed, not bead;
For goodness sake, don't call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat,
(they rhyme with suite and straight and debt)
A moth is not a moth in mother.
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there.
And dear and fear for bear and pear.
And then there's dose and rose and lose --
Just look them up -- and goose and choose.
And cork and work and card and ward,
And font and front and word and sword.
And do and go, then thwart and cart.
Come, come, I've hardly made a start.
A dreadful language? Why, man alive,
I'd learned to talk it when I was five,
And yet to write it, the more I tried,
I hadn't learned it at fifty-five!
We'll begin with box, and the plural is boxes;
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.
Then one fowl is goose, but two are called geese
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a whole lot of mice,
But the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
When couldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
The cow in the plural may be cows or kine,
But the plural of vow is vows, not vine.
And I speak of a foot, and you show me your feet,
But I give a boot -- would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
If the singular is this and plural is these,
Why shouldn't the plural of kiss be nicknamed kese?
Then one may be that, and three may be those,
Yet the plural of hat would never be hose;
We speak of a brother, and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
The masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis, and shim!
So our English, I think you will all agree,
Is the trickiest language you ever did see.
I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble, but not you
On hiccough, thorough, slough, and through?
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps
To learn of less familiar traps?
Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead; it's said like bed, not bead;
For goodness sake, don't call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat,
(they rhyme with suite and straight and debt)
A moth is not a moth in mother.
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there.
And dear and fear for bear and pear.
And then there's dose and rose and lose --
Just look them up -- and goose and choose.
And cork and work and card and ward,
And font and front and word and sword.
And do and go, then thwart and cart.
Come, come, I've hardly made a start.
A dreadful language? Why, man alive,
I'd learned to talk it when I was five,
And yet to write it, the more I tried,
I hadn't learned it at fifty-five!
Eccentricity thy name is English!!
...If you're studying English and it confuses you, think about the confusion it has for people who grew up speaking it:
A friend sent an email forward that lists out the ecentricities of English language. Read it and have a ball.
* If pro and con are opposites, is congress the opposite of progress?
* There is no egg in eggplant, no pine or apple in pineapple, and no ham in hamburger
* English muffins weren't invented in England or French Fries in France.
* Sweet meats are candy, while sweetbreads, which aren't, are meat.
* Exploring its paradoxes, we find that quick sand works slowly, boxing rings are square, public bathrooms have no bath, and a guinea pig is neither a pig nor from Guinea.
* Why is it that as writer writes, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, humdingers don't hum and hammers don't ham?
* If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth?
* One goose, two geese -- so one moose, two meese?
* One index, two indices -- one Kleenex, two Kleenices?
* If you have a bunch of odds and ends and you get rid of all but one, what do you call it?
* If the teacher taught, why isn't it true that the preacher praught?
* If a horsehair mat is made from the hair of horses and a camel's-hair coat is made from the hair of camels, from what is a mohair coat made?
* If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
* In what other language do people drive on a parkway and park in a driveway? Recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
* How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
* How can it be hot as hell one day, and cold as hell the next?
* Have you ever seen a horsefull carriage or a strapfull gown?
* A house can burn up as it burns down. You can fill out a form by filling it in. Your alarm clock goes off by going on. When the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. When I wind my watch I start it, but when I wind up this message, I end it.
A friend sent an email forward that lists out the ecentricities of English language. Read it and have a ball.
* If pro and con are opposites, is congress the opposite of progress?
* There is no egg in eggplant, no pine or apple in pineapple, and no ham in hamburger
* English muffins weren't invented in England or French Fries in France.
* Sweet meats are candy, while sweetbreads, which aren't, are meat.
* Exploring its paradoxes, we find that quick sand works slowly, boxing rings are square, public bathrooms have no bath, and a guinea pig is neither a pig nor from Guinea.
* Why is it that as writer writes, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, humdingers don't hum and hammers don't ham?
* If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth?
* One goose, two geese -- so one moose, two meese?
* One index, two indices -- one Kleenex, two Kleenices?
* If you have a bunch of odds and ends and you get rid of all but one, what do you call it?
* If the teacher taught, why isn't it true that the preacher praught?
* If a horsehair mat is made from the hair of horses and a camel's-hair coat is made from the hair of camels, from what is a mohair coat made?
* If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
* In what other language do people drive on a parkway and park in a driveway? Recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
* How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
* How can it be hot as hell one day, and cold as hell the next?
* Have you ever seen a horsefull carriage or a strapfull gown?
* A house can burn up as it burns down. You can fill out a form by filling it in. Your alarm clock goes off by going on. When the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. When I wind my watch I start it, but when I wind up this message, I end it.
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