A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Showing posts with label funny english. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny english. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
A dreadful language? Man alive!
I take it you already know
of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble but not you,
on hiccough, thorough, laugh and through.
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps,
to learn of less familiar traps?
Beware of heard, a dreadful word
that looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead: it's said like bed, not bead;
For goodness' sake don't call it 'deed'!
Watch out for neat and great and threat
They rhyme with suite and straight and debt.
A moth is not a moth in mother
Nor both in bother, broth in brother,
And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear,
And then there's dose and rose and lose--
Just look them up -- and goose and choose.
And cork and work and cards and ard*ward*
And font and front and word and sword.
And do and go and thwart and cart--
Come, come, I've hardly made a start!
A dreadful language? Man alive!
I'd mastered it when I was five.
of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble but not you,
on hiccough, thorough, laugh and through.
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps,
to learn of less familiar traps?
Beware of heard, a dreadful word
that looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead: it's said like bed, not bead;
For goodness' sake don't call it 'deed'!
Watch out for neat and great and threat
They rhyme with suite and straight and debt.
A moth is not a moth in mother
Nor both in bother, broth in brother,
And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear,
And then there's dose and rose and lose--
Just look them up -- and goose and choose.
And cork and work and cards and ard*ward*
And font and front and word and sword.
And do and go and thwart and cart--
Come, come, I've hardly made a start!
A dreadful language? Man alive!
I'd mastered it when I was five.
Monday, May 7, 2007
English can't get mysterious than this!!
Mysteries of Anatomy
Where can a man buy a cap for his knee,
Or the key to a lock of his hair?
Can his eyes be called an academy
Because there are pupils there?
Is the crown of your head where jewels are found?
Who travels the bridge of your nose?
If you wanted to shingle the roof of your mouth,
Would you use the nails on your toes?
Can you sit in the shade of the palm of your hand,
Or beat on the drum of your ear?
Can the calf in your leg eat the corn off your toe?
Then why not grow corn on the ear?
Can the crook in your elbow be sent to jail?
If so, just what did he do?
How can you sharpen your shoulder blades?
I'll be darned if I know -- do you?
Where can a man buy a cap for his knee,
Or the key to a lock of his hair?
Can his eyes be called an academy
Because there are pupils there?
Is the crown of your head where jewels are found?
Who travels the bridge of your nose?
If you wanted to shingle the roof of your mouth,
Would you use the nails on your toes?
Can you sit in the shade of the palm of your hand,
Or beat on the drum of your ear?
Can the calf in your leg eat the corn off your toe?
Then why not grow corn on the ear?
Can the crook in your elbow be sent to jail?
If so, just what did he do?
How can you sharpen your shoulder blades?
I'll be darned if I know -- do you?
Sunday, May 6, 2007
It can't get better than this!!
This is an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food establishment
* NAME: Greg Bulmash
* DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
* DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
* EDUCATION: Yes.
* LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
* SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
* MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
* REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
* HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
* PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
* DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
* MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
* DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
* DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
* HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
* DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
* WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
* DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
* SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
* NAME: Greg Bulmash
* DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
* DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
* EDUCATION: Yes.
* LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
* SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
* MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
* REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
* HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
* PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
* DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
* MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
* DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
* DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
* HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
* DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
* WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
* DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
* SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Holy cow! It happened in India!
A newspaper in India has got hold of an answer paper of a candidate at the recent UPSC examinations, the highest examination held in the country to recruit the policymakers and the bureaucrats.
The topic is an essay on the Indian cow. And a candidate has written the following:
The cow is a successful animal. Also he is quadrupud, and because he is female, he give milk, but will do so when he is got child. He is same like God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards.
His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally.
His MOTION is slow only because he is of asitudinious species. Also his other MOTION is much useful to trees, plants as well as making flat cakes in hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards he chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass.
His only attacking and defending organ is the horn, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards.
He has got tails also, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohoa body whereupon he gives hit with it.
The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts his eyes like his relatives, the horse does not do so.
This is the cow.
PS: The candidate passed the exam, got selected and posted as one of the high ranking officials in the country.
The topic is an essay on the Indian cow. And a candidate has written the following:
The cow is a successful animal. Also he is quadrupud, and because he is female, he give milk, but will do so when he is got child. He is same like God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards.
His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally.
His MOTION is slow only because he is of asitudinious species. Also his other MOTION is much useful to trees, plants as well as making flat cakes in hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards he chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass.
His only attacking and defending organ is the horn, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards.
He has got tails also, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohoa body whereupon he gives hit with it.
The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts his eyes like his relatives, the horse does not do so.
This is the cow.
PS: The candidate passed the exam, got selected and posted as one of the high ranking officials in the country.
Monday, April 30, 2007
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex!!
Some of the advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.
* Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
* Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
* Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
* And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
* We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
* Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
* For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
* Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
* Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
* Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
* Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
* Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
* And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
* We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
* Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
* For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
* Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
* Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Bhat man, no nooj fram you far lang time?
A reader has sent this email narrating the different kinds of accents Indians use to speak English in the various regions of the country. They are hilarious, don't give this piece a miss for anything.
Hey Ramesh there!
Bhat man, no nooj fram you far lang time? Bhat matter eej? Hab you forgotten me? Myself, Deepak Khanna from IIT Kanpur. Same Kolege, same nolej, yaar. Hee hee.
Arre bhai, yesterday I go restaurant and they ask, what bil you hab? Cadberry? Papsee? Or one bottle Thunderbolt, one 'baees ka pauwa' and one lag piece? Or bil it be straight 'chempen'?
Talking of alcohol, do you know there are three kinds of beer in India? One you drink, one you sleep with (called 'taddy beer' -- you hug it) and one you having nothing to do with, since you cannot 'beer' it. Not to talk of the Gujju Beers of Dalal Street who in these Bull Harshad Mehta days, ask each other, (instead of the customary 'kem che?') 'scam che ?'
Coming back to good old Punjaaaaab, everything is 'fitta-fit', thank you. 'The loins of Bhatinda welcome you' says a roadside sign. The greatest of their loins, Ajit (of the 'Tawny','Raabert' and 'Mona Darrrling' fame) inaugurated the 'Groin young loins, mathlab Leo as in leopard' Club just the other day.
The Bengalis like to 'shit outside' in the cool 'bridge'. Of course, it is impossible to cross the Howrah 'breeze' these days, especially during the 'crush' hour, when your clothes in the crowded buses get 'crust'.
Bengalis do not have 's' sound and Oriyas do not have 'sh'. So when Bengalis sing 'God shave the queen', Oriyas shout 'Same, same'.
Delhi 'sacooter taxi vallas' will say 'Woh Susu ki' referring to Maruti Suzuki. And a Delhi teenager might ask a restaurant waiter to 'rape the snakes' (wrap the snacks) and 'snakes' could be anything from 'peeza' to 'baig-dish' (baked dish) to 'senwich' or a plain 'aam-late'. And the waiter asks 'Do you want them raped separate separate or together?'
Which all amounts to BJP. No, not the Bharatiya Janata Party, but 'Bada Jollu Party' of Tamil Nadu (this acronym refers to a 'lecher') with its 'jalrafying' tendencies. Ready-aaa? In Tamil Nadu, 'somebody else' becomes 'somebody yells' and villages become 'vill-aage' and marriages, 'marr-aaage' and people vacation in 'Gova' and 'Lenden'.
And not to forget that bakery called 'Standard confessionary' (sic) in Madras who are the 'biggest loafers in town'. And Madras folks are also concerned about others' opinions and wonder 'What will four people think, saaar?'
Which brings us to my native land, Rajasthan. One english tutor was heard telling his pupil that 'pittal' is 'bras'. And also that 'Mooli' is 'carrot'. The mother of the student overheard and came in and asked 'Isn't Mooli radish?' To which the embarrassed teacher replied 'Yes, yes, Mooli is sometimes reddish and sometimes whitish.'
And two IIT Kanpur professors were bickering about regional accents. When one Bihari professor got up to make a speech "Bhy bharchu of the authority bheshted in me ...." he was interrupted by his Malayali colleague, (A Malayali colleague = Malayaleague) who commented "What atrocious accent !".
Stung, the Bihari retorted. "Bhat bil you shay?"
"Why, I would say it 'praperly'" said the Malayali "Like 'By wertu yof the yatarity wasted in me...."
I am not knowing if you are doing the understanding?
Hey Ramesh there!
Bhat man, no nooj fram you far lang time? Bhat matter eej? Hab you forgotten me? Myself, Deepak Khanna from IIT Kanpur. Same Kolege, same nolej, yaar. Hee hee.
Arre bhai, yesterday I go restaurant and they ask, what bil you hab? Cadberry? Papsee? Or one bottle Thunderbolt, one 'baees ka pauwa' and one lag piece? Or bil it be straight 'chempen'?
Talking of alcohol, do you know there are three kinds of beer in India? One you drink, one you sleep with (called 'taddy beer' -- you hug it) and one you having nothing to do with, since you cannot 'beer' it. Not to talk of the Gujju Beers of Dalal Street who in these Bull Harshad Mehta days, ask each other, (instead of the customary 'kem che?') 'scam che ?'
Coming back to good old Punjaaaaab, everything is 'fitta-fit', thank you. 'The loins of Bhatinda welcome you' says a roadside sign. The greatest of their loins, Ajit (of the 'Tawny','Raabert' and 'Mona Darrrling' fame) inaugurated the 'Groin young loins, mathlab Leo as in leopard' Club just the other day.
The Bengalis like to 'shit outside' in the cool 'bridge'. Of course, it is impossible to cross the Howrah 'breeze' these days, especially during the 'crush' hour, when your clothes in the crowded buses get 'crust'.
Bengalis do not have 's' sound and Oriyas do not have 'sh'. So when Bengalis sing 'God shave the queen', Oriyas shout 'Same, same'.
Delhi 'sacooter taxi vallas' will say 'Woh Susu ki' referring to Maruti Suzuki. And a Delhi teenager might ask a restaurant waiter to 'rape the snakes' (wrap the snacks) and 'snakes' could be anything from 'peeza' to 'baig-dish' (baked dish) to 'senwich' or a plain 'aam-late'. And the waiter asks 'Do you want them raped separate separate or together?'
Which all amounts to BJP. No, not the Bharatiya Janata Party, but 'Bada Jollu Party' of Tamil Nadu (this acronym refers to a 'lecher') with its 'jalrafying' tendencies. Ready-aaa? In Tamil Nadu, 'somebody else' becomes 'somebody yells' and villages become 'vill-aage' and marriages, 'marr-aaage' and people vacation in 'Gova' and 'Lenden'.
And not to forget that bakery called 'Standard confessionary' (sic) in Madras who are the 'biggest loafers in town'. And Madras folks are also concerned about others' opinions and wonder 'What will four people think, saaar?'
Which brings us to my native land, Rajasthan. One english tutor was heard telling his pupil that 'pittal' is 'bras'. And also that 'Mooli' is 'carrot'. The mother of the student overheard and came in and asked 'Isn't Mooli radish?' To which the embarrassed teacher replied 'Yes, yes, Mooli is sometimes reddish and sometimes whitish.'
And two IIT Kanpur professors were bickering about regional accents. When one Bihari professor got up to make a speech "Bhy bharchu of the authority bheshted in me ...." he was interrupted by his Malayali colleague, (A Malayali colleague = Malayaleague) who commented "What atrocious accent !".
Stung, the Bihari retorted. "Bhat bil you shay?"
"Why, I would say it 'praperly'" said the Malayali "Like 'By wertu yof the yatarity wasted in me...."
I am not knowing if you are doing the understanding?
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