Holy cow! It happened in India!

A newspaper in India has got hold of an answer paper of a candidate at the recent UPSC examinations, the highest examination held in the country to recruit the policymakers and the bureaucrats.

The topic is an essay on the Indian cow. And a candidate has written the following:

The cow is a successful animal. Also he is quadrupud, and because he is female, he give milk, but will do so when he is got child. He is same like God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards.

His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally.

His MOTION is slow only because he is of asitudinious species. Also his other MOTION is much useful to trees, plants as well as making flat cakes in hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards he chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass.

His only attacking and defending organ is the horn, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards.

He has got tails also, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohoa body whereupon he gives hit with it.

The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts his eyes like his relatives, the horse does not do so.

This is the cow.

PS: The candidate passed the exam, got selected and posted as one of the high ranking officials in the country.

Weird ways of the Indians

* No Indian is just born; he's brought into the world. He studies at an institution, he will not go to a school. And he'll peruse his books, not read them. Nor will he ever eat, but consume what he does.

* The average Indian goes marketing instead of shopping, and will always purchase groceries, never buy foodstuff.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex!!

Some of the advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

* Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

* Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

* Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

* And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

* We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

* Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

* For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

* Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

* Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Bhat man, no nooj fram you far lang time?

A reader has sent this email narrating the different kinds of accents Indians use to speak English in the various regions of the country. They are hilarious, don't give this piece a miss for anything.

Hey Ramesh there!

Bhat man, no nooj fram you far lang time? Bhat matter eej? Hab you forgotten me? Myself, Deepak Khanna from IIT Kanpur. Same Kolege, same nolej, yaar. Hee hee.

Arre bhai, yesterday I go restaurant and they ask, what bil you hab? Cadberry? Papsee? Or one bottle Thunderbolt, one 'baees ka pauwa' and one lag piece? Or bil it be straight 'chempen'?

Talking of alcohol, do you know there are three kinds of beer in India? One you drink, one you sleep with (called 'taddy beer' -- you hug it) and one you having nothing to do with, since you cannot 'beer' it. Not to talk of the Gujju Beers of Dalal Street who in these Bull Harshad Mehta days, ask each other, (instead of the customary 'kem che?') 'scam che ?'

Coming back to good old Punjaaaaab, everything is 'fitta-fit', thank you. 'The loins of Bhatinda welcome you' says a roadside sign. The greatest of their loins, Ajit (of the 'Tawny','Raabert' and 'Mona Darrrling' fame) inaugurated the 'Groin young loins, mathlab Leo as in leopard' Club just the other day.

The Bengalis like to 'shit outside' in the cool 'bridge'. Of course, it is impossible to cross the Howrah 'breeze' these days, especially during the 'crush' hour, when your clothes in the crowded buses get 'crust'.

Bengalis do not have 's' sound and Oriyas do not have 'sh'. So when Bengalis sing 'God shave the queen', Oriyas shout 'Same, same'.

Delhi 'sacooter taxi vallas' will say 'Woh Susu ki' referring to Maruti Suzuki. And a Delhi teenager might ask a restaurant waiter to 'rape the snakes' (wrap the snacks) and 'snakes' could be anything from 'peeza' to 'baig-dish' (baked dish) to 'senwich' or a plain 'aam-late'. And the waiter asks 'Do you want them raped separate separate or together?'

Which all amounts to BJP. No, not the Bharatiya Janata Party, but 'Bada Jollu Party' of Tamil Nadu (this acronym refers to a 'lecher') with its 'jalrafying' tendencies. Ready-aaa? In Tamil Nadu, 'somebody else' becomes 'somebody yells' and villages become 'vill-aage' and marriages, 'marr-aaage' and people vacation in 'Gova' and 'Lenden'.

And not to forget that bakery called 'Standard confessionary' (sic) in Madras who are the 'biggest loafers in town'. And Madras folks are also concerned about others' opinions and wonder 'What will four people think, saaar?'

Which brings us to my native land, Rajasthan. One english tutor was heard telling his pupil that 'pittal' is 'bras'. And also that 'Mooli' is 'carrot'. The mother of the student overheard and came in and asked 'Isn't Mooli radish?' To which the embarrassed teacher replied 'Yes, yes, Mooli is sometimes reddish and sometimes whitish.'

And two IIT Kanpur professors were bickering about regional accents. When one Bihari professor got up to make a speech "Bhy bharchu of the authority bheshted in me ...." he was interrupted by his Malayali colleague, (A Malayali colleague = Malayaleague) who commented "What atrocious accent !".
Stung, the Bihari retorted. "Bhat bil you shay?"
"Why, I would say it 'praperly'" said the Malayali "Like 'By wertu yof the yatarity wasted in me...."

I am not knowing if you are doing the understanding?