African poetry written by an African Shakespeare

Dear white fella, a couple of things you should know.

When I born, I black
When I grow up, I black
When I go in sun, I black
When I cold, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black
And when I die, I still black.

You white fella,
When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green
And when you die, you grey
And you have the balls to call me colored?

Beware, speaking English can kill you!!

This is a kind of observation of what kind of food leads to heart attacks among the various linguistic communities.

* The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Americans or Australians.

* On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Americans or Australians.

* The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Americans or Australians.

* The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Americans or Australians.

* Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

Weird ways of the Indians

* No Indian is just born; he's brought into the world. He studies at an institution, he will not go to a school. And he'll peruse his books, not read them. Nor will he ever eat, but consume what he does.

* The average Indian goes marketing instead of shopping, and will always purchase groceries, never buy foodstuff.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex!!

Some of the advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

* Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

* Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

* Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

* And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

* We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

* Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

* For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

* Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

* Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Bhat man, no nooj fram you far lang time?

A reader has sent this email narrating the different kinds of accents Indians use to speak English in the various regions of the country. They are hilarious, don't give this piece a miss for anything.

Hey Ramesh there!

Bhat man, no nooj fram you far lang time? Bhat matter eej? Hab you forgotten me? Myself, Deepak Khanna from IIT Kanpur. Same Kolege, same nolej, yaar. Hee hee.

Arre bhai, yesterday I go restaurant and they ask, what bil you hab? Cadberry? Papsee? Or one bottle Thunderbolt, one 'baees ka pauwa' and one lag piece? Or bil it be straight 'chempen'?

Talking of alcohol, do you know there are three kinds of beer in India? One you drink, one you sleep with (called 'taddy beer' -- you hug it) and one you having nothing to do with, since you cannot 'beer' it. Not to talk of the Gujju Beers of Dalal Street who in these Bull Harshad Mehta days, ask each other, (instead of the customary 'kem che?') 'scam che ?'

Coming back to good old Punjaaaaab, everything is 'fitta-fit', thank you. 'The loins of Bhatinda welcome you' says a roadside sign. The greatest of their loins, Ajit (of the 'Tawny','Raabert' and 'Mona Darrrling' fame) inaugurated the 'Groin young loins, mathlab Leo as in leopard' Club just the other day.

The Bengalis like to 'shit outside' in the cool 'bridge'. Of course, it is impossible to cross the Howrah 'breeze' these days, especially during the 'crush' hour, when your clothes in the crowded buses get 'crust'.

Bengalis do not have 's' sound and Oriyas do not have 'sh'. So when Bengalis sing 'God shave the queen', Oriyas shout 'Same, same'.

Delhi 'sacooter taxi vallas' will say 'Woh Susu ki' referring to Maruti Suzuki. And a Delhi teenager might ask a restaurant waiter to 'rape the snakes' (wrap the snacks) and 'snakes' could be anything from 'peeza' to 'baig-dish' (baked dish) to 'senwich' or a plain 'aam-late'. And the waiter asks 'Do you want them raped separate separate or together?'

Which all amounts to BJP. No, not the Bharatiya Janata Party, but 'Bada Jollu Party' of Tamil Nadu (this acronym refers to a 'lecher') with its 'jalrafying' tendencies. Ready-aaa? In Tamil Nadu, 'somebody else' becomes 'somebody yells' and villages become 'vill-aage' and marriages, 'marr-aaage' and people vacation in 'Gova' and 'Lenden'.

And not to forget that bakery called 'Standard confessionary' (sic) in Madras who are the 'biggest loafers in town'. And Madras folks are also concerned about others' opinions and wonder 'What will four people think, saaar?'

Which brings us to my native land, Rajasthan. One english tutor was heard telling his pupil that 'pittal' is 'bras'. And also that 'Mooli' is 'carrot'. The mother of the student overheard and came in and asked 'Isn't Mooli radish?' To which the embarrassed teacher replied 'Yes, yes, Mooli is sometimes reddish and sometimes whitish.'

And two IIT Kanpur professors were bickering about regional accents. When one Bihari professor got up to make a speech "Bhy bharchu of the authority bheshted in me ...." he was interrupted by his Malayali colleague, (A Malayali colleague = Malayaleague) who commented "What atrocious accent !".
Stung, the Bihari retorted. "Bhat bil you shay?"
"Why, I would say it 'praperly'" said the Malayali "Like 'By wertu yof the yatarity wasted in me...."

I am not knowing if you are doing the understanding?

Children will be batptized at both ends!!

The following announcements were actually printed in church bulletins around the country.

* Thursday Night -- Potluck Supper -- Prayer and Medication to follow.

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

* Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

* For those who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

* The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of DavidAlan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

* This being Easter Snday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

* The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Woman, they name is idiosyncrasy

Women don't mean what they say, and don't say what they mean. This has confounded the male species to such an extent that they have been wracking their brains to unravel the mystery called woman. Fortunately, here we have some pointers to what is on your woman's mind. A reader has sent this email which is a sort of 'how to' guide to understand your woman. Go ahead and have fun.

* We need = I want

* It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

* Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

* We need to talk = I need to complain

* Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to

* I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

* You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

* You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

* I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period

* Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

* This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

* I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

* I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

* Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

* I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

* Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

* How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

* I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

* Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

* You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

* Are you listening to me!? = (Too late, you're dead)

* Yes = No

* No = No

* Maybe = No

* I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

* Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

* Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

* I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

* All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

He was as lame as a duck!!

A reader has sent us some of the 'funniest analogies' which, he claims, are actual high school essays collected by English teachers across the country for their own amusement.

* His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

* She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

* She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

* Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

* He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

* The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

* The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

* McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

* From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 pm instead of 7:30.

* Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

* The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

* Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm at a speed of 35 mph.

* They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

* John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

* He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

* Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

* Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

* The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

* He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

* It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

* He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

* The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

* The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

* Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.

* He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

Why world is fighting fighting?

A concerned Indian patriot's ravings and rantings at the way the country is going. Like many Indians who have studied in government schools and went on to speak broken English, it is a literal translation of what he thinks about the country's future and writes in English.

The Patriot

I am standing for peace and non-violence.
Why world is fighting fighting
Why all people of world
Are not following Mahatma Gandhi,
I am simply not understanding.
Ancient Indian Wisdom is 100% correct,
I should say even 200% correct,
But modern generation is neglecting --
Too much going for fashion and foreign thing.

Other day I'm reading newspaper
(Every day I'm reading Times of India To improve my English Language)
How one goonda fellow
Threw stone at Indirabehn.
Must be student unrest fellow, I am thinking.
Friends, Romans, Countrymen, I am saying (to myself)
Lend me the ears.
Everything is coming --
Regeneration, Remuneration, Contraception.
Be patiently, brothers and sisters.

You want one glass lassi?
Very good for digestion.
With little salt, lovely drink,
Better than wine;
Not that I am ever tasting the wine.
I'm the total teetotaller, completely total,
But I say
Wine is for the drunkards only.

What you think of prospects of world peace?
Pakistan behaving like this,
China behaving like that,
It is making me really sad, I am telling you.
Really, most harassing me.
All men are brothers, no?
In India also
Gujaratis, Maharashtrians, Hindiwallahs
All brothers --
Though some are having funny habits.
Still, you tolerate me,
I tolerate you,
One day Ram Rajya is surely coming.

You are going?
But you will visit again
Any time, any day,
I am not believing in ceremony
Always I am enjoying your company.

-- Nissim Ezekiel

How about pork with fresh garbage?

The bloopers in menus around the world, especially in Japan and China, are a source of mirthful amusement for the jetset traveller. Here are some of the menoos to tickle your appetite

From an assortment of menus in China
* Dumpling stuffed with the ovary and digestive glands of a crab
* Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream
* Three cute prawns suntanning on the rice
* Intestines of crab (describing a Dim Sum plate)
* We serve dead shrimp on vegetables with a smile

From a menu in India
Deep Fried Fingers of my Lady

From a menu in Barcelona
Boys style little chickens

From a menu in Vietnam
Pork with fresh garbage

From a menu in Japan
* Strawberry crap
* Teppan Yaki -- Before Your Cooked Right Eyes

Ghar wapis aa gai main chuhe kha ke!

India is renowned not only for its twisted pronunciation of English but also famous for its broken English -- that is English spoken in a way that would raise the hackles of the tight upper lip Britishers. But that is the reality, like it or not. Here we present some ways Indians have played on the language for hilarious affect. This, a translation of the Pussy cat rhyme, is from the north Indian state of Punjab in India.

Pussy cat Pussy cat, where have you been?
I have been to London to look at the Queen
Pussy cat Pussy cat what did you there?
I frightened a little mouse under the chair!

Punjabi Translation:

Mano Billi, Mano Billi, kithe gai si?
Rani Ji nu milan main vilayat gai si
Ki chan chareya tu othe ja ke?
Ghar wapis aa gai main chuhe kha ke!

Use repeatedly for severe damage!!

One of the readers has sent in this email, an assortment of slogans, signboards, instructions, newspaper ads, etc. So get ready to go on a rollercoaster laughter ride

From the cover of a notebook used by one of my Korean students
My heart is very flammable when I see your beautiful eyes.

On the box for a toothbrush at a Tokyo hotel
Gives you strong mouth and refreshing wind!

A job ad in the Japan Times expressing that both males and females could apply
No limit on sex.

On the box for a toy microphone called "ECHO MIKE"
Mom ma! Pap Pap! I and Lady Employees to play with it together!

From the instructions on a Dragonball-Z action figure
Beware of being eaten by small children due to small parts.

Written at the top of a piece of children’s stationery in Japan
Guppies often eat their small children.

Comforting words on a piggy bank
My favorite food is you!

Name of children's camp
Club The Kids

On a Japanese box of tissues with a picture of a puppy on the cover
Tissues of puppy.

On another Japanese box of fine tissues
Skin will be touched softly and gently by 100% high quality pulp.

Instructions for a puzzle toy made in Taiwan
Let's decompose and enjoy assembling!

On a shampoo bottle
Use repeatedly for severe damage.

From a Children's Notebook in Japan
The Bunnies are very gluttonous. Why don't we put ourfavorite flags on the omelets? Good Tasty!

Babysitting ad by college students
"Please call us! We will provide you with any emergency."

From the instructions for a Hitachi radio
You will know radio on by enchanting green light.

On the packaging for a screw driver with a small flashlight in the handle
Now you can see what you are screwing in the dark!

On the packaging of a sir fry pan
Do not use mental tools for prolonging the life of the pan.

From the box of a vegetable peeler and chopper
Peeing? Container contains! Slashing? Use your built in chopper for good action.

If you have anything similar to share please email them to englishlanguagelover@gmail.com. They will be published with your name and email id if you wish.

English well talking, here speeching American!!

Listening to English spoken by non-English speakers is a linguist's delight. A friend has sent this email which lists some of the hilarious ways the language has been put to use. Read on and you will jump in your chair with bellyaches of laughter

In a Tokyo hotel
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 am daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish restaurant
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly
There will be a Moscow exhibition of arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest
It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency
Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn
Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance
English well talking.
Here speeching American.

US-urping the Britishers' tongue

(This article appeared in The Hindustan Times on 10th July)

Call, don't ring!
American and Indian usage of English can foul up life for you in the US, warns Amir Tuteja

I have lived in the US a little over 30 years now, and am thoroughly Americanised in the usage of English. I come across the Indian version from frequent contact with the Indian embassywallas, Indian students and visitors from India. There are so many differences big and small, in the meaning and pronunciation, in the usage of the same language -- English -- between Americans and Indians, that it can be amusing and even embarrassing at times.

Many moons ago, the first time I went to McDonald I did not know what was meant by the phrase "to go" (which means to take the food away and not eat there). The girl at the counter asked me "to go?" and I thought she was asking me to leave!

I was upset and retorted: "I have come here to eat, why shouldI go?" It took some explaining on both sides before I could place my order.

Americans are very verbose in saying things, which in themselves are somewhat different from those in India. One almost always says, "How are you doing?" when you meet an acquaintance, and the accepted reply is usually "Pretty good" and not just "Fine".

The reply to "Thank you" is "You are welcome" and not "Mention not". But if you say thanks to someone like a sales girl, she is more likely to say "Uh-ha".

Unlike in India,"Excuse me" deserves an answer like "No problem".

When you are about to part, sometimes, you have to play games of getting in the last word. Expressions like "see you later", "have fun", "take care", "have a nice weekend", "don't work too hard", come in handy.

I am also reminded about the use of the expression "Really". This is used to mean "Oh, I see". For example, if somebody asks you where do you work, and you answer "government", pat comes the exclamation "Really!", which a first few times sounds like they do not believe you.

There are a lot of words and phrases which are used differently. A funny example is that an "eraser" is never called a "rubber", because the latter is slang here for a contraceptive!

An Indian friend at a restaurant, when asked, if she would like anything more at the end of the meal, answered: "No, I will just take the bill". You should have seen the look on the waiter's face -- of course, she should have asked for the check which she could have then paid with a bill(s).

Many American pronunciations are different from the British ones used in India. For instance, one pronounces "schedule" as "skedjule". Also "coupon" is pronounced as "q-pon". When the "i" is preceded by an "m" or a "t", it is pronounced as "my" and "ty" -- for example the words "semi" and "anti". When it is preceded by a "d", unlike in India you donot say it as "die", but as "dee", for example the word "divorce".

An elderly Indian couple have been living in this country for the last 20 years or so. This incident occurred a few years ago. They were in one of those huge parking lots at a department store. On returning to their car after shopping they realised they had a dead battery on hand. So they looked around and the lady spotted a man about to get into his truck. She told her husband that she would ask that man if he could help them.

She approached him. The lady said, "Hi". The man replied "Hi, may I help you." The lady said "Yes please, could you please give me a jump".

At this the man was rather shocked, and sort of taken aback. He appeared to turn red, until he noticed the elderly gent in the car. Then he laughed and remarked that "Oh you mean that your car needs a jump st-art".

The lady remarked "That's what I said".

Later in the car when the puzzled lady narrated this incident to her husband, he almost drove off the road roaring with laughter. It was only after he explained what "jump" meant, that the lady turned red. In fact we discuss this incident almost every time we go to dinner at their place.

By the way, she has never been to that shopping complex ever since this incident out of fear of bumping into that man!

Tailpiece: In the US you give someone a "call" not a "ring" on the telephone. A newly arrived Indian went to the university library looking for a job, and had a long discussion with the lady in charge. While leaving he told her, "Well I'll give you a ring tommorrow."
The lady was so stunned that she didn't speak for a few minutes,and then blurted out, "Isn't it a bit early for that?"

Without malice to Malayalees!!

What is a smart-looking Malayalee called?
Debo-nair.

What is a dynamic Malayalee called?
Pheno-Menon.

Why did the Malayalee crossed the road?
Simbly.

What is a rich Malayalee called?
MillionayarOne

How does a Malayalee spell the word 'MOON'?
Yem, O, yet another O, Yen

It's time for snakes!!

English is spoken in India with a peculiar pronunciation and it varies from area to area. Here is an example of how Gujaratis (from the state of Gujarat in northwestern India) speak English.

What does a Gujju (short form for Gujarati) have for breakfast?
Snakes. (Snacks)

What does an eighties Gujju wear?
Foos nu pant and smace nu shirt. (F'us pants and a Smash shirt)

What does a nineties Gujju wear?
Jins jicket, low loacket. Comb in bayck poaket, and goagles on eye soaket. (Jeans jacket, love locket, comb in back pocket, and goggles on eye socket)

20 reasons why people go mad learning English

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Being and nothingness of a woman

An English professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

'ellow, 'ellow, is anyone listening?

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Indian went to England for an interview. They were asked to form a sentence using the three words: yellow, green and pink.

The first one was the Italian: (I wake up in the morning and I see the yellow sun, the green grass and I think about myself and I hope it will be a pink day....)

The next was the French : (I wake up in the morning and I eat the yellow banana, the green pepper and I watch the pink panther on the TV....)

The last one was the Indian : (I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone "green green" and I pink up the phone and I say yellow!!

A dreadful language?

...More humor for those confused in learning English:

We'll begin with box, and the plural is boxes;
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.
Then one fowl is goose, but two are called geese
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a whole lot of mice,
But the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
When couldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
The cow in the plural may be cows or kine,
But the plural of vow is vows, not vine.
And I speak of a foot, and you show me your feet,
But I give a boot -- would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
If the singular is this and plural is these,
Why shouldn't the plural of kiss be nicknamed kese?
Then one may be that, and three may be those,
Yet the plural of hat would never be hose;
We speak of a brother, and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
The masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis, and shim!
So our English, I think you will all agree,
Is the trickiest language you ever did see.
I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble, but not you
On hiccough, thorough, slough, and through?
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps
To learn of less familiar traps?
Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead; it's said like bed, not bead;
For goodness sake, don't call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat,
(they rhyme with suite and straight and debt)
A moth is not a moth in mother.
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there.
And dear and fear for bear and pear.
And then there's dose and rose and lose --
Just look them up -- and goose and choose.
And cork and work and card and ward,
And font and front and word and sword.
And do and go, then thwart and cart.
Come, come, I've hardly made a start.
A dreadful language? Why, man alive,
I'd learned to talk it when I was five,
And yet to write it, the more I tried,
I hadn't learned it at fifty-five!

Eccentricity thy name is English!!

...If you're studying English and it confuses you, think about the confusion it has for people who grew up speaking it:

A friend sent an email forward that lists out the ecentricities of English language. Read it and have a ball.

* If pro and con are opposites, is congress the opposite of progress?

* There is no egg in eggplant, no pine or apple in pineapple, and no ham in hamburger

* English muffins weren't invented in England or French Fries in France.

* Sweet meats are candy, while sweetbreads, which aren't, are meat.

* Exploring its paradoxes, we find that quick sand works slowly, boxing rings are square, public bathrooms have no bath, and a guinea pig is neither a pig nor from Guinea.

* Why is it that as writer writes, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, humdingers don't hum and hammers don't ham?

* If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth?

* One goose, two geese -- so one moose, two meese?

* One index, two indices -- one Kleenex, two Kleenices?

* If you have a bunch of odds and ends and you get rid of all but one, what do you call it?

* If the teacher taught, why isn't it true that the preacher praught?

* If a horsehair mat is made from the hair of horses and a camel's-hair coat is made from the hair of camels, from what is a mohair coat made?

* If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

* In what other language do people drive on a parkway and park in a driveway? Recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

* How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

* How can it be hot as hell one day, and cold as hell the next?

* Have you ever seen a horsefull carriage or a strapfull gown?

* A house can burn up as it burns down. You can fill out a form by filling it in. Your alarm clock goes off by going on. When the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. When I wind my watch I start it, but when I wind up this message, I end it.