Signs of the times!!

These are actual signs that have appeared at various locations all over the world

Found written on the wall in front of a photocopier of a company going through hardships
"Double your pleasure -- xerox your paychecks"

At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation
"Belt your family. It's the law."

Seen while traveling in the Yucatan Peninsula
"Broken English spoken perfectly"

At an Applebee's restaraunt
"Notice: Affective immediately! A new 6% tax will be charged for the cost of collecting taxes!"

Fitness Center sign
"Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself -- regardless of the facts."

In a restaurant:
"Open seven days a week and weekends."

On the freeway in Boston during a major transformation of the streets and bridges, etc
"Rome wasn't built in a day. If it was, we would have hired their contractor."

A sign in front of an advertising agency in south superhighway, Philippines
"A business with no sign is a sign of no business"

A sign in front of a Macadamia Nut Factory in Hawaii
"Caution: Nuts crossing road."

English can be fun too

Bad grammar
"Is this a picture of you?"
"Yes. That's me?"
"That's bad grammar."
"I know it. It's a bad picture, too."

Flowery narrative
"Your narrative is too high coloured," remarked the editor, returning the bulky manuscript.
"In what way?" inquired the disappointed author.
"Why," replied the editor, "in the very first chapter you make the old man turn purple with rage, the villain turn green with envy, the hero turn white with anger, the heroine turn red with blushes, and the detective turn blue with cold."

Valour and discretion
"Can you tell me the difference between valour and discretion?
"Well, leaving a swank weekend party without tipping the servants would be valour."
"And discretion?"
"Not going there again."

Doubting Thomas
She: "Not very amusing, is he?"
He: No, he couldn't even entertain a doubt."

Heard on the phone

A Cockney was trying to make himself heard over the phone:

"This is Mr 'Arrison. No, 'Arrison.... haitch, hay, two hars, a hi, a hess, a ho, and a hen... 'Arrison."

What Shakespeare said, and what he meant

Shakespeare was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy words. Now our crack team of cunning linguists has translated a number of Shakespeare' s quotes into modern day English. It's about time we were all able to enjoy the wit and wisdom of this oddly groomed scribe.

The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground.
Translation: Only fight sissies.

Great floods have flown from simple sources.
Translation: Never have sex with your girlfriend during her period.

Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful?
Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips.

I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss.
Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether.

Men at some time are masters of their fate.
Translation: Get married and you're screwed.

They that thrive well take counsel of their friends.
Translation: If your drinking buddies say she's really a man, listen to them.

O, flatter me, for love delights in praises.
Translation: Honesty isn't necessarily the best policy when it comes to penis size.

The course of true love never did run smooth.
Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup.

I'll note you in my book of memory.
Translation: Don't expect me to call the day after.

Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
Translation: When you're telling your buddies about your conquests, exaggerate. A lot.

My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.
Translation: You've never had twins and you never will. Get over it.

The message is lost in the meaning!!

* Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American ad campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

* The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

* In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

* Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

* The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

* When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

* Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

* When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company's mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

* An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

* Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."

* Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

* Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.

* In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

* Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?

English, Swedish style

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put aroast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main street.
She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.
"Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo hot I tink I'll have myself zome cold beer."
The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"
Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave!!

GEMS FROM INDIA

Leave application from an employee from Infosys, Bangalore

"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."

This is from Oracle, Bangalore
From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:

"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

A gem from CDAC
Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:

"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

Another beauty from Hindustan Aeronautics Limited Administration Department, Bangalore

"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

Another employee applied for half day leave as follows

"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

An incident of a leave letter

"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."

A leave letter to the headmaster

"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
Another leave letter written to the headmaster

"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

Covering note

"I am enclosed herewith..."

Another one

"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

Actual letter written for application of leave

"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

Letter writing

"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."

A candidate's job application

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'Typist and an Accountant -- Male or Female'... As I am both (!!) for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

Believe it or not! These signs are from England!!

* Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

* Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

* In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

* Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

* In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

* On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

* English sign in a German cafe:
MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING

* Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING -- BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

* Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

* Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

* Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

* Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

* Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

* Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

* Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF

* Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

* Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

* Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

* Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

* Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.RUNNING ACROSS THIS FIELD TAKES A MAN 12 SECONDS, BULL DOES IT IN 10.

* Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

* Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR -- THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

* Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

* Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

Latin plurals in English

There were two fora on virii at the last computer seminar I attended, but I had to visit several auditoria before I obtained the datum I was looking for. While there, I bumped into an old alumna from my alma mater, and we had several colloquia about the best criterium for eliminating these parasitical conundra. We decided that the hackers would declare no moratoria on their insidious attacks, and that virii would be around for at least the next couple of millennia.

I told her that afterwards I wanted to visit the two planetaria in town, and she told me that she and her husband were going to see couple of aquaria or a few musea. One of them had an exhibit on oriental abaci which sounded fascinating.

Our curricula were different so we went our separate ways, but met later for dinner where we clogged our aortae with steak and lobster under the glimmering light of a beautiful candelabrum.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor!!

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]

12. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

22. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

A dreadful language? Man alive!

I take it you already know
of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble but not you,
on hiccough, thorough, laugh and through.
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps,
to learn of less familiar traps?

Beware of heard, a dreadful word
that looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead: it's said like bed, not bead;
For goodness' sake don't call it 'deed'!
Watch out for neat and great and threat
They rhyme with suite and straight and debt.

A moth is not a moth in mother
Nor both in bother, broth in brother,
And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear,
And then there's dose and rose and lose--
Just look them up -- and goose and choose.
And cork and work and cards and ard*ward*

And font and front and word and sword.
And do and go and thwart and cart--
Come, come, I've hardly made a start!
A dreadful language? Man alive!
I'd mastered it when I was five.

English can't get mysterious than this!!

Mysteries of Anatomy

Where can a man buy a cap for his knee,
Or the key to a lock of his hair?
Can his eyes be called an academy
Because there are pupils there?

Is the crown of your head where jewels are found?
Who travels the bridge of your nose?
If you wanted to shingle the roof of your mouth,
Would you use the nails on your toes?

Can you sit in the shade of the palm of your hand,
Or beat on the drum of your ear?
Can the calf in your leg eat the corn off your toe?
Then why not grow corn on the ear?

Can the crook in your elbow be sent to jail?
If so, just what did he do?
How can you sharpen your shoulder blades?
I'll be darned if I know -- do you?

It can't get better than this!!

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food establishment

* NAME: Greg Bulmash

* DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

* DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

* EDUCATION: Yes.

* LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

* SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

* MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

* REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

* HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

* PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

* DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

* MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

* DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

* DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

* HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

* DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

* WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

* DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

* SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Ads gone terribly wrong!!

* Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

* Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

* Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

* For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Sheppard and an Alaskan Hussy.

* Great Dames for sale.

* Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

* Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

* Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

* Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

* Stock up and save. Limit: one.

* For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

* Man, honest. Will take anything.

* Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

* Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

* UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

* Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

* Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

* Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

* Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

* 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

* Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

* Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

* Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

* Illiterate? Write today for free help.

* Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

* We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

* 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

* Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

* A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

* For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

* Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

* Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Hilarious classified advertisements!!

Actual advertisements published in the classified section of newspapers

* A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

* No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

* For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

* We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

* Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

* Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

* Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

* Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

* Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

* Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

* If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Père Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Chopin and Jean de la Fontain.

* For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

* Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

* Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

* Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

* And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

* Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% of plepoe can

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but teh wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if y ou can raed tihs forwrad it.

Owed to a spell checker!

Eye halve a spelling checkerIt came with my pea sea
It plainly marks four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
Eye am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.

You haf real bad case of Zachary Disease!!

A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see adoctor.

Looking through the phone book, she came upon a Chinese Sex Therapist named Dr. Chang. When the woman arrived at the doctor's office, she told him her symptoms.

"Take off all your crothes, an you crawl real fass away from me across the froor."

She did so and crawled to the other side of the room.

Dr. Changsaid, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me", and she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "You haf real bad case of ZacharyDisease...worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem".

The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor what Zachary Disease was.

The doctor replied "Zachary Disease....that when your face look ZACHARY like your ass!"

The comic side of death!!

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association forForensic Science, AAFS president Don Harper Mills astounded his audiencein San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death.

Here is the story:

On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware thata safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this.

Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended.

That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening herwith the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and pellets went through the window striking Opus. When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B.

When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were bothadamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man saidit was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her - therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentallyloaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple'sson loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financialsupport and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

There was an exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that theson, one Ronald Opus, had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window.

The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

Instructions on consumers goods

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...

On Sears hairdryer
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

An Eye-talian's Mississippi musings

Two Italian men, who were travelling in a bus, were engaged in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'.

Holy cow! It happened in India!

A newspaper in India has got hold of an answer paper of a candidate at the recent UPSC examinations, the highest examination held in the country to recruit the policymakers and the bureaucrats.

The topic is an essay on the Indian cow. And a candidate has written the following:

The cow is a successful animal. Also he is quadrupud, and because he is female, he give milk, but will do so when he is got child. He is same like God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards.

His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally.

His MOTION is slow only because he is of asitudinious species. Also his other MOTION is much useful to trees, plants as well as making flat cakes in hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards he chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass.

His only attacking and defending organ is the horn, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards.

He has got tails also, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohoa body whereupon he gives hit with it.

The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts his eyes like his relatives, the horse does not do so.

This is the cow.

PS: The candidate passed the exam, got selected and posted as one of the high ranking officials in the country.