It can't get better than this!!

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food establishment

* NAME: Greg Bulmash

* DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

* DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

* EDUCATION: Yes.

* LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

* SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

* MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

* REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

* HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

* PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

* DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

* MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

* DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

* DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

* HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

* DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

* WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

* DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

* SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.