YOU CHILDREN ARE FUTURE DYNAMIC GENERATORS OF THE NATION, SO LOOK INTO THE FUTURE TIME ONLY!!

A Schoolmaster from a remote rural area in Bihar was transferred to a new School in Mumbai.

He reported for duty two days before August 15 and, as was the practice in the school, was asked to address the school assembly on Independence Day.

Here's his dynamite speech:

Leddies and Gentulmens, Contemporaries, Children,

"This is my first maiden speech. If small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon.

Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following reason. Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I put complaint on stationmaster. He said me to go to lady clerk. At first, she also rejected. I then pressed her for long time and, at last, with great difficulty she gave a birth only to my son. Anyway, I thanked the stationmaster because he was responsible for getting birth of my son.

We got independent because of great leadersz linke Gundhiji who get-outted all angrezi peoples from India. Tilak said Swaraj is our birth rate and we shall halve it.

Today we all have our birth-rate. You children are future dynamic generators of the Nation. Look into future time only. No backside looking, or looking at your behind.

Be like great like X' raj Ranjan of Germany or Presidents like Loosebelt, Dim Butter, Lipton etc. You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety seven percent evaporation.

They became great by reading great books. After we finish you off here in the school, you can go to college and get B.A., M.A., M.A.M.A and other decrease.

Then you can become great liars in the supreme courts, shattered accountants, or lecherers in college.

The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, classroom is the soil. We will bury you in this soil; pour water of knowledge on your heads and one day you all will become great phools.

Many vacancy job come in papers. Only yesterday I saw in paper "Wanted for refuted engineering firm: - Generators, highpower condensors" so and so forth, etc. These jobs may be teknickel, but you can shine.

If you have flare in English, you can become teacher.

I am now ending this fastly.

My God blast you!

Thank you and thank God!

ETHNIC JOKES, WITH NO APOLOGIES

TAMIL JOKES

Whats the opposite of Gopalakrishnan?
Comepalakrishnan.

What is the opposite of Subramnium Swamy?
Subramanium Didn't See Me.

How do they start a road race in Tamil Nadu?
Ready...Steady... PO

What do you call a really colourful Tamilian?
Rangamannar Rangarajan.

What is the Tamil name for the tallest building in Japan?
Nikkumo Nikkado (Will it or wont it stand?)

What is the difference between Kunnankudi Vaidyanathan and Gandhi?
One is a violanist, the other is a non-violanist!


MALAYALEE JOKES
What do you call an amazing Malayalee?
Pheno Menon.

What do you call a dashing Malayalee?
Debo Nair.

What do you call a Malayalee drunkard?
Kutty Sark.

Why do they require five people for a Malayalee funeral?
Four to carry the coffin and one person to carry the two-in-one.

Why did the Malayalee cross the road?
To join the trade union on the other side.


SINDHI JOKES

What do you call:
A god fearing Sindhi?
Bhagwandas Godwani

A Sindhi painter?
Sadarangani

A Sindhi chef?
Papadmull Kukreja

A Sindhi electrician?
Voltram Bijlani

A Sindhi milkman?
Gopal Dudeja

A Sindhi pest control contractor?
Khatmull Marwani

A Sindhi stripper working in New York?
Barbra Jhangiani

A Sindhi casanova?
Prem Kissinchandani

A Sindhi fire-engine?
Bhambhani

A Sindhi detergent?
Neelam Rin-dani (Rin is a Detergent)

A Sindhi postman?
Mailwani

A communist Sindhi?
Karl Lal-wani (Lal for the red communist flag)

A fashionable Sindhi?
Jogio Armani

A heroic Sindhi soldier?
Hiroo Sipahimalani

A forgetful Sindhi?
Bulo Bhulchandani

A fat Sindhi?
Hathiramani

A downtrodden Sindhi?
Nichani

A corrupt Sindhi?
Chaipani (Chai-pani is colloquial for bribe')

A Sindhi fly?
Makhija

What do you call a Sindhi with six knees?
Sahani (Shahaknee)

A Sindhi who falls from the 1st floor?
Thad-ani (Thud-ani)

A Sindhi who falls from the 10th floor?
Kriplani (Cripple-ani)

Why are a Sindhi's nostrils big?
Because air is free


MAHARASHTRIAN JOKES

What do you call a modern Maharashtrian?
Western Ghat.

What do you call a Maharashtrian tailor?
Sadashiv.

Which Maharashtrians wrote the book 'Apartheid in South Africa?'
Dhaval Gore and Krishnakant Kale.

What did Bruce Lee say to the Maharashtrian?
Tumhi Marathe, Aamhi Karate.


GUJJU JOKES

Why did the Gujjus think the man who acted as Gandhi in the film was a woman?
Because his name was Ben Kingsley.

Why does the Gujju go to London?
To see his Big Ben.

Why does the Gujju take a 2-in-1 to the bathroom?
Because his mom said that water came out of the tape (tap)

Why did the visitor to the Gujju home run away when he was offered tea?
Because the Gujju said he would serve snakes (snacks) with it.

What is a Gujju picnic called?
A snake in the grass

What did the Gujju mean when he said, Maro dikro STATES magayon?
His son failed in statistics.

Maro dikro Dubai gayo?
My son drowned.

Why was the Gujju stacking up pennies on the day before exams?
He wanted to get cent-par-cent.

What do you call a knee less gujju?
Nilesh (Pronounced Nee-Less)


BENGALI JOKES

An angry Bengali letter?
Chitti-chitti Bong Bong

A talkative Bengali?
Bulbul Chatterjee

An outlawed Bengali?
Kanoon Banerjee

An enlightened Bengali?
Jyoti Basu

A stupid Bengali girl?
Balika Buddhu

A Bengali marriage?
Bedding

A Bengali voyeur?
Keyhollo

A mad Bengali?
In Sen (insane)

A dark Bengali who lives in a cave?
Kalidas Guha

A perfumed Bengali?
Chandan Dass

A Bengali goldsmith?
Shonar Bongla

What's bigger than the Bay of Bengal?
The Bengali Ego

When does a Bengali sound like a dog?
When he says Bow (wow)
Also, when he bharks! (works).

SO WHAT IF WE CAN'T SPEAK FLUENTLY LIKE THE ENGLISH, WE HAVE OUR OWN COMMON DIALECT

Tamils are always proud to be 'Tamizhs';Pretty courteous they. in the bus ('Busss') they always say 'yexuse me, saaar'- even if they ave ya yem.yay deheree. They speak yenglish but sorry, no indi(Hindi),poda! And Madras has a lot of 'Lates'(ladies) and christeens' (Christians). For tamil dames(called 'figures') em.g.yaar(MGR) and 'kamallakkaasan' are 'Romba jollu,pa'! The more common Madarasi is an ardent fan of kireeket matches. Their counterparts in Bombay think they live in America but speak Hinglish like 'are you sure ki Sujata aa raha hai ya I'll go akela!'. And they take great pride in making stupid mistakes in Hindi Grammar. The best hypocrites in the world.

Back to the 'thamizhs', they are verrry lecky to haeve simble neighbours in the keralites who are a comblex race of peoblle(they migrated around 2000 B.C. from the middle east, I guess; and even now do when the Sheik feels wary of them). but they have excellent GK and do well in kiss contests, eat a lot of chooclyte and own 99% of tea shops in the world. (Somebody said "Even if one go to the peak of Mount Everest one can find a Keralyte selling tea). Is easy to tell when is public holiday in Kerala - noone's on strike.

Not far begind the kerals is the telugu desam, who are totally againesht flaunting their wealthu to the woruldu, though they occasionally come out withu brick red shirtsu and parrot green pantsu with pleetsu('fant' with 'fleet' in Madras). Worustu,no?! But they are greatu in CICSu, Microsu and COBOLu ! Generally nice peoplesu !!!

The Canadians, excuse me, the Kannadigas are the coolest lot down south but if there is political unrest in Hersogovnia or an ebola virus outbreak in Zaire, they bash up the Tamils in Karnataka. Cau very very bad!If you go uf, you land uf in Udissa- the land of irron('r' unsilent)where sombalpuroa and Bhubaneshbara are big owns. The people are bery cordial and if you are Vikram they bill soorly ask you 'B' or 'Bhe'.They do not sout, sam or soot but occasnally bawsh their phace at the wasbashin. James Bond Mohapotra in our colleze had a roll nomber jero,jero,sebhen.

Bengalees are bery similor, but are bery proud oph Subas Chondro Bosh and Shoatyojit Roy(I used to know a director by name Satyajit Ray who was also pretty good) and everybody is 'X'da. Wonder...never mind. Bot I most confess, Roshgollas are bery goooood, tho!

And Biharees are bery phond of Laloo and Ranchi, ka isse bhadiya tumre pass kooch hai, kaa?!

UPites and MPites are busy going to ischool and istudied metals to make lots of ishteel.

Punjabis are very sweet and aggressive and offer 'Rotti Shotti Khayega!' to which I once replied 'No'. He said 'Tage itu, yaar!'By God'u! 'Surjeetu, what happenedu, woi ?!'. That's P'njab.

Sindhis are also a very affable lot but very strict. See, our sindhi principal used to say 'Out you go! you're suspaendaed!' But,frankly was the first to say 'Koong ragulations!' when we achieved something.

And Kashmir(called 'Cashmir' by many, maybe cos of the amount of cash spent to keep it in India ?!?) I know 'Roja' was shot(I mean filmed) somewhere nearby... ...To Sur bane hamaara!

--- Yenonimusu

HERE COMES THE MALLU WITH KOKANET OIL, BENANA CHIBBS AND BROGUN BONES!!

1) What is the tax on a Mallu's income called?
IngumDax

2) Where did the Malayali study?
In the ko-liage.

3) Why did the Malayali not go to ko-liage today?
He is very bissi.

4) Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket?
To go to Thuubai, zimbly to meet his ungle in Gelff.

5) Why do Malayalis go to the Gelff?
To yearn meney.

6) What did the Malayali do when the plane caught fire?
He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.

7) How does a Malayali spell moon?
MOON - Yem, Woh, yet another Woh, and Yen

8) What is Malayali management graduate called?
Yem Bee Yae.

9) What does a Malayali do when he goes to America ?
He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren.

10) What does a Malayali use to commute to office everyday?
An Oto

11) Where does he pray?
In a Temble, Charch and a Maask

12) Who is Bruce Lee's best friend?
A Malaya-Lee of coarse.

13) Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?
Because 86% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and re-tying the lungi

14) Why did Saddam Hussain attackKuwait?
He had a Mallu baby-sitter, who always used to say 'KEEP QUWAIT' 'KEEP QUWAIT'

15) What is the Latest Malayali Punch Line?
"Frem Tea Shops To Koll Cenders, We Are Yevery Where"


16) Why aren't Mals included in hockey and football teams?
Coz Whenever they get a corner, they set up a tea shop.

17) Now pass it on to 5 Mals to get a free sample of kokanet oil.

18) Pass it on 10 Mals to get a free pack of Benana Chibbs.

19) Pass it on to 15 Mals to get a set of BROGUN bones....

Wanna know why English is a funny language?

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!

Yeah, right Mr professor!

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

How you can spot a Canadian, eh?

How do you tell a Canadian from an American?

It used to be enough to ask him to say the alphabet. When the Canadian got to the end, he'd say "zed" instead of "zee". But 18 years of Sesame Street have taught a lot of Canadian kids to say "zee," and it's starting to sound as natural as it does south of the 49th parallel.

Another test used to be the word "lieutenant". Canadians pronounced it in the British was, "leftenant", while Americans say "lootenant". But American cop shows and army shows and movies have eroded that difference, too. Canadians have been adopting American spelling as well. They used to put a "u" in words like labour. The main organization in the country, the equivalent of the AFL-CIO, is still officially called the Canadian Labour Congress. But news organizations have been wiping out that distinction by adopting American spelling, mostly to make it easier to use news copy from such agencies as Associated Press without a lot of changes. So it's "Canadian Labor Congress" when the Canadian Press, the national news agency, writes about it.

Some pronunciations, considered true tests of Canadians, are not as reliable as they're thought. Take the word "house" for example. When some Canadians say it, it sounds very Scottish in American ears. Visiting Americans trying to reproduce what they hear usually give the Canadian pronunciation as "hoose".

The same for "out" and "about". The way some Canadians say them sounds like "oot" and "aboot" to many Americans. And when an American says "house" to a Canadian, the Canadian often hears a bit of an "ay" in it, something like "hayouse".

But pronunctiaiton isn't a good test because people from different parts of Canada speak differently. A resident of the Western province of Alberta, where there has been a considerable inflow of settlers from the United States, may sound like a Montanan or a Dakotan.

Then there's the ubiquitous Canadian expression "eh?" -- pronounced "ay?" This is a better test because many Canadians tack it on to the end of every assertion to turn it into a question.

Signs of the times!!

These are actual signs that have appeared at various locations all over the world

Found written on the wall in front of a photocopier of a company going through hardships
"Double your pleasure -- xerox your paychecks"

At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation
"Belt your family. It's the law."

Seen while traveling in the Yucatan Peninsula
"Broken English spoken perfectly"

At an Applebee's restaraunt
"Notice: Affective immediately! A new 6% tax will be charged for the cost of collecting taxes!"

Fitness Center sign
"Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself -- regardless of the facts."

In a restaurant:
"Open seven days a week and weekends."

On the freeway in Boston during a major transformation of the streets and bridges, etc
"Rome wasn't built in a day. If it was, we would have hired their contractor."

A sign in front of an advertising agency in south superhighway, Philippines
"A business with no sign is a sign of no business"

A sign in front of a Macadamia Nut Factory in Hawaii
"Caution: Nuts crossing road."

English can be fun too

Bad grammar
"Is this a picture of you?"
"Yes. That's me?"
"That's bad grammar."
"I know it. It's a bad picture, too."

Flowery narrative
"Your narrative is too high coloured," remarked the editor, returning the bulky manuscript.
"In what way?" inquired the disappointed author.
"Why," replied the editor, "in the very first chapter you make the old man turn purple with rage, the villain turn green with envy, the hero turn white with anger, the heroine turn red with blushes, and the detective turn blue with cold."

Valour and discretion
"Can you tell me the difference between valour and discretion?
"Well, leaving a swank weekend party without tipping the servants would be valour."
"And discretion?"
"Not going there again."

Doubting Thomas
She: "Not very amusing, is he?"
He: No, he couldn't even entertain a doubt."

Heard on the phone

A Cockney was trying to make himself heard over the phone:

"This is Mr 'Arrison. No, 'Arrison.... haitch, hay, two hars, a hi, a hess, a ho, and a hen... 'Arrison."

What Shakespeare said, and what he meant

Shakespeare was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy words. Now our crack team of cunning linguists has translated a number of Shakespeare' s quotes into modern day English. It's about time we were all able to enjoy the wit and wisdom of this oddly groomed scribe.

The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground.
Translation: Only fight sissies.

Great floods have flown from simple sources.
Translation: Never have sex with your girlfriend during her period.

Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful?
Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips.

I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss.
Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether.

Men at some time are masters of their fate.
Translation: Get married and you're screwed.

They that thrive well take counsel of their friends.
Translation: If your drinking buddies say she's really a man, listen to them.

O, flatter me, for love delights in praises.
Translation: Honesty isn't necessarily the best policy when it comes to penis size.

The course of true love never did run smooth.
Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup.

I'll note you in my book of memory.
Translation: Don't expect me to call the day after.

Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
Translation: When you're telling your buddies about your conquests, exaggerate. A lot.

My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.
Translation: You've never had twins and you never will. Get over it.

The message is lost in the meaning!!

* Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American ad campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

* The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

* In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

* Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

* The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

* When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

* Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

* When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company's mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

* An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

* Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."

* Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

* Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.

* In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

* Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?

English, Swedish style

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put aroast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main street.
She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.
"Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo hot I tink I'll have myself zome cold beer."
The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"
Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave!!

GEMS FROM INDIA

Leave application from an employee from Infosys, Bangalore

"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."

This is from Oracle, Bangalore
From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:

"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

A gem from CDAC
Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:

"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

Another beauty from Hindustan Aeronautics Limited Administration Department, Bangalore

"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

Another employee applied for half day leave as follows

"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

An incident of a leave letter

"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."

A leave letter to the headmaster

"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
Another leave letter written to the headmaster

"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

Covering note

"I am enclosed herewith..."

Another one

"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

Actual letter written for application of leave

"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

Letter writing

"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."

A candidate's job application

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'Typist and an Accountant -- Male or Female'... As I am both (!!) for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

Believe it or not! These signs are from England!!

* Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

* Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

* In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

* Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

* In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

* On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

* English sign in a German cafe:
MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING

* Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING -- BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

* Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

* Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

* Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

* Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

* Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

* Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

* Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF

* Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

* Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

* Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

* Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

* Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.RUNNING ACROSS THIS FIELD TAKES A MAN 12 SECONDS, BULL DOES IT IN 10.

* Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

* Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR -- THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

* Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

* Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

Latin plurals in English

There were two fora on virii at the last computer seminar I attended, but I had to visit several auditoria before I obtained the datum I was looking for. While there, I bumped into an old alumna from my alma mater, and we had several colloquia about the best criterium for eliminating these parasitical conundra. We decided that the hackers would declare no moratoria on their insidious attacks, and that virii would be around for at least the next couple of millennia.

I told her that afterwards I wanted to visit the two planetaria in town, and she told me that she and her husband were going to see couple of aquaria or a few musea. One of them had an exhibit on oriental abaci which sounded fascinating.

Our curricula were different so we went our separate ways, but met later for dinner where we clogged our aortae with steak and lobster under the glimmering light of a beautiful candelabrum.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor!!

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]

12. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

22. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

A dreadful language? Man alive!

I take it you already know
of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble but not you,
on hiccough, thorough, laugh and through.
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps,
to learn of less familiar traps?

Beware of heard, a dreadful word
that looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead: it's said like bed, not bead;
For goodness' sake don't call it 'deed'!
Watch out for neat and great and threat
They rhyme with suite and straight and debt.

A moth is not a moth in mother
Nor both in bother, broth in brother,
And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear,
And then there's dose and rose and lose--
Just look them up -- and goose and choose.
And cork and work and cards and ard*ward*

And font and front and word and sword.
And do and go and thwart and cart--
Come, come, I've hardly made a start!
A dreadful language? Man alive!
I'd mastered it when I was five.

English can't get mysterious than this!!

Mysteries of Anatomy

Where can a man buy a cap for his knee,
Or the key to a lock of his hair?
Can his eyes be called an academy
Because there are pupils there?

Is the crown of your head where jewels are found?
Who travels the bridge of your nose?
If you wanted to shingle the roof of your mouth,
Would you use the nails on your toes?

Can you sit in the shade of the palm of your hand,
Or beat on the drum of your ear?
Can the calf in your leg eat the corn off your toe?
Then why not grow corn on the ear?

Can the crook in your elbow be sent to jail?
If so, just what did he do?
How can you sharpen your shoulder blades?
I'll be darned if I know -- do you?

It can't get better than this!!

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food establishment

* NAME: Greg Bulmash

* DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

* DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

* EDUCATION: Yes.

* LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

* SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

* MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

* REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

* HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

* PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

* DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

* MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

* DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

* DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

* HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

* DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

* WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

* DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

* SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Ads gone terribly wrong!!

* Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

* Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

* Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

* For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Sheppard and an Alaskan Hussy.

* Great Dames for sale.

* Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

* Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

* Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

* Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

* Stock up and save. Limit: one.

* For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

* Man, honest. Will take anything.

* Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

* Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

* UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

* Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

* Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

* Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

* Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

* 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

* Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

* Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

* Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

* Illiterate? Write today for free help.

* Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

* We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

* 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

* Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

* A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

* For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

* Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

* Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Hilarious classified advertisements!!

Actual advertisements published in the classified section of newspapers

* A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

* No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

* For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

* We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

* Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

* Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

* Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

* Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

* Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

* Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

* If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Père Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Chopin and Jean de la Fontain.

* For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

* Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

* Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

* Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

* And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

* Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% of plepoe can

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but teh wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if y ou can raed tihs forwrad it.

Owed to a spell checker!

Eye halve a spelling checkerIt came with my pea sea
It plainly marks four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
Eye am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.

You haf real bad case of Zachary Disease!!

A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see adoctor.

Looking through the phone book, she came upon a Chinese Sex Therapist named Dr. Chang. When the woman arrived at the doctor's office, she told him her symptoms.

"Take off all your crothes, an you crawl real fass away from me across the froor."

She did so and crawled to the other side of the room.

Dr. Changsaid, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me", and she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "You haf real bad case of ZacharyDisease...worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem".

The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor what Zachary Disease was.

The doctor replied "Zachary Disease....that when your face look ZACHARY like your ass!"

The comic side of death!!

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association forForensic Science, AAFS president Don Harper Mills astounded his audiencein San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death.

Here is the story:

On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware thata safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this.

Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended.

That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening herwith the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and pellets went through the window striking Opus. When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B.

When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were bothadamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man saidit was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her - therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentallyloaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple'sson loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financialsupport and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

There was an exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that theson, one Ronald Opus, had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window.

The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

Instructions on consumers goods

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...

On Sears hairdryer
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

An Eye-talian's Mississippi musings

Two Italian men, who were travelling in a bus, were engaged in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'.

Holy cow! It happened in India!

A newspaper in India has got hold of an answer paper of a candidate at the recent UPSC examinations, the highest examination held in the country to recruit the policymakers and the bureaucrats.

The topic is an essay on the Indian cow. And a candidate has written the following:

The cow is a successful animal. Also he is quadrupud, and because he is female, he give milk, but will do so when he is got child. He is same like God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards.

His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally.

His MOTION is slow only because he is of asitudinious species. Also his other MOTION is much useful to trees, plants as well as making flat cakes in hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards he chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass.

His only attacking and defending organ is the horn, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards.

He has got tails also, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohoa body whereupon he gives hit with it.

The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts his eyes like his relatives, the horse does not do so.

This is the cow.

PS: The candidate passed the exam, got selected and posted as one of the high ranking officials in the country.

African poetry written by an African Shakespeare

Dear white fella, a couple of things you should know.

When I born, I black
When I grow up, I black
When I go in sun, I black
When I cold, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black
And when I die, I still black.

You white fella,
When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green
And when you die, you grey
And you have the balls to call me colored?

Beware, speaking English can kill you!!

This is a kind of observation of what kind of food leads to heart attacks among the various linguistic communities.

* The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Americans or Australians.

* On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Americans or Australians.

* The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Americans or Australians.

* The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Americans or Australians.

* Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

Weird ways of the Indians

* No Indian is just born; he's brought into the world. He studies at an institution, he will not go to a school. And he'll peruse his books, not read them. Nor will he ever eat, but consume what he does.

* The average Indian goes marketing instead of shopping, and will always purchase groceries, never buy foodstuff.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex!!

Some of the advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

* Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

* Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

* Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

* And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

* We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

* Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

* For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

* Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

* Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Bhat man, no nooj fram you far lang time?

A reader has sent this email narrating the different kinds of accents Indians use to speak English in the various regions of the country. They are hilarious, don't give this piece a miss for anything.

Hey Ramesh there!

Bhat man, no nooj fram you far lang time? Bhat matter eej? Hab you forgotten me? Myself, Deepak Khanna from IIT Kanpur. Same Kolege, same nolej, yaar. Hee hee.

Arre bhai, yesterday I go restaurant and they ask, what bil you hab? Cadberry? Papsee? Or one bottle Thunderbolt, one 'baees ka pauwa' and one lag piece? Or bil it be straight 'chempen'?

Talking of alcohol, do you know there are three kinds of beer in India? One you drink, one you sleep with (called 'taddy beer' -- you hug it) and one you having nothing to do with, since you cannot 'beer' it. Not to talk of the Gujju Beers of Dalal Street who in these Bull Harshad Mehta days, ask each other, (instead of the customary 'kem che?') 'scam che ?'

Coming back to good old Punjaaaaab, everything is 'fitta-fit', thank you. 'The loins of Bhatinda welcome you' says a roadside sign. The greatest of their loins, Ajit (of the 'Tawny','Raabert' and 'Mona Darrrling' fame) inaugurated the 'Groin young loins, mathlab Leo as in leopard' Club just the other day.

The Bengalis like to 'shit outside' in the cool 'bridge'. Of course, it is impossible to cross the Howrah 'breeze' these days, especially during the 'crush' hour, when your clothes in the crowded buses get 'crust'.

Bengalis do not have 's' sound and Oriyas do not have 'sh'. So when Bengalis sing 'God shave the queen', Oriyas shout 'Same, same'.

Delhi 'sacooter taxi vallas' will say 'Woh Susu ki' referring to Maruti Suzuki. And a Delhi teenager might ask a restaurant waiter to 'rape the snakes' (wrap the snacks) and 'snakes' could be anything from 'peeza' to 'baig-dish' (baked dish) to 'senwich' or a plain 'aam-late'. And the waiter asks 'Do you want them raped separate separate or together?'

Which all amounts to BJP. No, not the Bharatiya Janata Party, but 'Bada Jollu Party' of Tamil Nadu (this acronym refers to a 'lecher') with its 'jalrafying' tendencies. Ready-aaa? In Tamil Nadu, 'somebody else' becomes 'somebody yells' and villages become 'vill-aage' and marriages, 'marr-aaage' and people vacation in 'Gova' and 'Lenden'.

And not to forget that bakery called 'Standard confessionary' (sic) in Madras who are the 'biggest loafers in town'. And Madras folks are also concerned about others' opinions and wonder 'What will four people think, saaar?'

Which brings us to my native land, Rajasthan. One english tutor was heard telling his pupil that 'pittal' is 'bras'. And also that 'Mooli' is 'carrot'. The mother of the student overheard and came in and asked 'Isn't Mooli radish?' To which the embarrassed teacher replied 'Yes, yes, Mooli is sometimes reddish and sometimes whitish.'

And two IIT Kanpur professors were bickering about regional accents. When one Bihari professor got up to make a speech "Bhy bharchu of the authority bheshted in me ...." he was interrupted by his Malayali colleague, (A Malayali colleague = Malayaleague) who commented "What atrocious accent !".
Stung, the Bihari retorted. "Bhat bil you shay?"
"Why, I would say it 'praperly'" said the Malayali "Like 'By wertu yof the yatarity wasted in me...."

I am not knowing if you are doing the understanding?

Children will be batptized at both ends!!

The following announcements were actually printed in church bulletins around the country.

* Thursday Night -- Potluck Supper -- Prayer and Medication to follow.

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

* Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

* For those who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

* The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of DavidAlan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

* This being Easter Snday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

* The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Woman, they name is idiosyncrasy

Women don't mean what they say, and don't say what they mean. This has confounded the male species to such an extent that they have been wracking their brains to unravel the mystery called woman. Fortunately, here we have some pointers to what is on your woman's mind. A reader has sent this email which is a sort of 'how to' guide to understand your woman. Go ahead and have fun.

* We need = I want

* It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

* Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

* We need to talk = I need to complain

* Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to

* I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

* You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

* You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

* I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period

* Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

* This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

* I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

* I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

* Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

* I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

* Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

* How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

* I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

* Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

* You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

* Are you listening to me!? = (Too late, you're dead)

* Yes = No

* No = No

* Maybe = No

* I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

* Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

* Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

* I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

* All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

He was as lame as a duck!!

A reader has sent us some of the 'funniest analogies' which, he claims, are actual high school essays collected by English teachers across the country for their own amusement.

* His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

* She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

* She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

* Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

* He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

* The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

* The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

* McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

* From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 pm instead of 7:30.

* Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

* The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

* Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm at a speed of 35 mph.

* They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

* John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

* He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

* Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

* Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

* The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

* He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

* It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

* He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

* The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

* The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

* Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.

* He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

Why world is fighting fighting?

A concerned Indian patriot's ravings and rantings at the way the country is going. Like many Indians who have studied in government schools and went on to speak broken English, it is a literal translation of what he thinks about the country's future and writes in English.

The Patriot

I am standing for peace and non-violence.
Why world is fighting fighting
Why all people of world
Are not following Mahatma Gandhi,
I am simply not understanding.
Ancient Indian Wisdom is 100% correct,
I should say even 200% correct,
But modern generation is neglecting --
Too much going for fashion and foreign thing.

Other day I'm reading newspaper
(Every day I'm reading Times of India To improve my English Language)
How one goonda fellow
Threw stone at Indirabehn.
Must be student unrest fellow, I am thinking.
Friends, Romans, Countrymen, I am saying (to myself)
Lend me the ears.
Everything is coming --
Regeneration, Remuneration, Contraception.
Be patiently, brothers and sisters.

You want one glass lassi?
Very good for digestion.
With little salt, lovely drink,
Better than wine;
Not that I am ever tasting the wine.
I'm the total teetotaller, completely total,
But I say
Wine is for the drunkards only.

What you think of prospects of world peace?
Pakistan behaving like this,
China behaving like that,
It is making me really sad, I am telling you.
Really, most harassing me.
All men are brothers, no?
In India also
Gujaratis, Maharashtrians, Hindiwallahs
All brothers --
Though some are having funny habits.
Still, you tolerate me,
I tolerate you,
One day Ram Rajya is surely coming.

You are going?
But you will visit again
Any time, any day,
I am not believing in ceremony
Always I am enjoying your company.

-- Nissim Ezekiel

How about pork with fresh garbage?

The bloopers in menus around the world, especially in Japan and China, are a source of mirthful amusement for the jetset traveller. Here are some of the menoos to tickle your appetite

From an assortment of menus in China
* Dumpling stuffed with the ovary and digestive glands of a crab
* Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream
* Three cute prawns suntanning on the rice
* Intestines of crab (describing a Dim Sum plate)
* We serve dead shrimp on vegetables with a smile

From a menu in India
Deep Fried Fingers of my Lady

From a menu in Barcelona
Boys style little chickens

From a menu in Vietnam
Pork with fresh garbage

From a menu in Japan
* Strawberry crap
* Teppan Yaki -- Before Your Cooked Right Eyes

Ghar wapis aa gai main chuhe kha ke!

India is renowned not only for its twisted pronunciation of English but also famous for its broken English -- that is English spoken in a way that would raise the hackles of the tight upper lip Britishers. But that is the reality, like it or not. Here we present some ways Indians have played on the language for hilarious affect. This, a translation of the Pussy cat rhyme, is from the north Indian state of Punjab in India.

Pussy cat Pussy cat, where have you been?
I have been to London to look at the Queen
Pussy cat Pussy cat what did you there?
I frightened a little mouse under the chair!

Punjabi Translation:

Mano Billi, Mano Billi, kithe gai si?
Rani Ji nu milan main vilayat gai si
Ki chan chareya tu othe ja ke?
Ghar wapis aa gai main chuhe kha ke!

Use repeatedly for severe damage!!

One of the readers has sent in this email, an assortment of slogans, signboards, instructions, newspaper ads, etc. So get ready to go on a rollercoaster laughter ride

From the cover of a notebook used by one of my Korean students
My heart is very flammable when I see your beautiful eyes.

On the box for a toothbrush at a Tokyo hotel
Gives you strong mouth and refreshing wind!

A job ad in the Japan Times expressing that both males and females could apply
No limit on sex.

On the box for a toy microphone called "ECHO MIKE"
Mom ma! Pap Pap! I and Lady Employees to play with it together!

From the instructions on a Dragonball-Z action figure
Beware of being eaten by small children due to small parts.

Written at the top of a piece of children’s stationery in Japan
Guppies often eat their small children.

Comforting words on a piggy bank
My favorite food is you!

Name of children's camp
Club The Kids

On a Japanese box of tissues with a picture of a puppy on the cover
Tissues of puppy.

On another Japanese box of fine tissues
Skin will be touched softly and gently by 100% high quality pulp.

Instructions for a puzzle toy made in Taiwan
Let's decompose and enjoy assembling!

On a shampoo bottle
Use repeatedly for severe damage.

From a Children's Notebook in Japan
The Bunnies are very gluttonous. Why don't we put ourfavorite flags on the omelets? Good Tasty!

Babysitting ad by college students
"Please call us! We will provide you with any emergency."

From the instructions for a Hitachi radio
You will know radio on by enchanting green light.

On the packaging for a screw driver with a small flashlight in the handle
Now you can see what you are screwing in the dark!

On the packaging of a sir fry pan
Do not use mental tools for prolonging the life of the pan.

From the box of a vegetable peeler and chopper
Peeing? Container contains! Slashing? Use your built in chopper for good action.

If you have anything similar to share please email them to englishlanguagelover@gmail.com. They will be published with your name and email id if you wish.

English well talking, here speeching American!!

Listening to English spoken by non-English speakers is a linguist's delight. A friend has sent this email which lists some of the hilarious ways the language has been put to use. Read on and you will jump in your chair with bellyaches of laughter

In a Tokyo hotel
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 am daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish restaurant
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly
There will be a Moscow exhibition of arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest
It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency
Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn
Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance
English well talking.
Here speeching American.

US-urping the Britishers' tongue

(This article appeared in The Hindustan Times on 10th July)

Call, don't ring!
American and Indian usage of English can foul up life for you in the US, warns Amir Tuteja

I have lived in the US a little over 30 years now, and am thoroughly Americanised in the usage of English. I come across the Indian version from frequent contact with the Indian embassywallas, Indian students and visitors from India. There are so many differences big and small, in the meaning and pronunciation, in the usage of the same language -- English -- between Americans and Indians, that it can be amusing and even embarrassing at times.

Many moons ago, the first time I went to McDonald I did not know what was meant by the phrase "to go" (which means to take the food away and not eat there). The girl at the counter asked me "to go?" and I thought she was asking me to leave!

I was upset and retorted: "I have come here to eat, why shouldI go?" It took some explaining on both sides before I could place my order.

Americans are very verbose in saying things, which in themselves are somewhat different from those in India. One almost always says, "How are you doing?" when you meet an acquaintance, and the accepted reply is usually "Pretty good" and not just "Fine".

The reply to "Thank you" is "You are welcome" and not "Mention not". But if you say thanks to someone like a sales girl, she is more likely to say "Uh-ha".

Unlike in India,"Excuse me" deserves an answer like "No problem".

When you are about to part, sometimes, you have to play games of getting in the last word. Expressions like "see you later", "have fun", "take care", "have a nice weekend", "don't work too hard", come in handy.

I am also reminded about the use of the expression "Really". This is used to mean "Oh, I see". For example, if somebody asks you where do you work, and you answer "government", pat comes the exclamation "Really!", which a first few times sounds like they do not believe you.

There are a lot of words and phrases which are used differently. A funny example is that an "eraser" is never called a "rubber", because the latter is slang here for a contraceptive!

An Indian friend at a restaurant, when asked, if she would like anything more at the end of the meal, answered: "No, I will just take the bill". You should have seen the look on the waiter's face -- of course, she should have asked for the check which she could have then paid with a bill(s).

Many American pronunciations are different from the British ones used in India. For instance, one pronounces "schedule" as "skedjule". Also "coupon" is pronounced as "q-pon". When the "i" is preceded by an "m" or a "t", it is pronounced as "my" and "ty" -- for example the words "semi" and "anti". When it is preceded by a "d", unlike in India you donot say it as "die", but as "dee", for example the word "divorce".

An elderly Indian couple have been living in this country for the last 20 years or so. This incident occurred a few years ago. They were in one of those huge parking lots at a department store. On returning to their car after shopping they realised they had a dead battery on hand. So they looked around and the lady spotted a man about to get into his truck. She told her husband that she would ask that man if he could help them.

She approached him. The lady said, "Hi". The man replied "Hi, may I help you." The lady said "Yes please, could you please give me a jump".

At this the man was rather shocked, and sort of taken aback. He appeared to turn red, until he noticed the elderly gent in the car. Then he laughed and remarked that "Oh you mean that your car needs a jump st-art".

The lady remarked "That's what I said".

Later in the car when the puzzled lady narrated this incident to her husband, he almost drove off the road roaring with laughter. It was only after he explained what "jump" meant, that the lady turned red. In fact we discuss this incident almost every time we go to dinner at their place.

By the way, she has never been to that shopping complex ever since this incident out of fear of bumping into that man!

Tailpiece: In the US you give someone a "call" not a "ring" on the telephone. A newly arrived Indian went to the university library looking for a job, and had a long discussion with the lady in charge. While leaving he told her, "Well I'll give you a ring tommorrow."
The lady was so stunned that she didn't speak for a few minutes,and then blurted out, "Isn't it a bit early for that?"

Without malice to Malayalees!!

What is a smart-looking Malayalee called?
Debo-nair.

What is a dynamic Malayalee called?
Pheno-Menon.

Why did the Malayalee crossed the road?
Simbly.

What is a rich Malayalee called?
MillionayarOne

How does a Malayalee spell the word 'MOON'?
Yem, O, yet another O, Yen

It's time for snakes!!

English is spoken in India with a peculiar pronunciation and it varies from area to area. Here is an example of how Gujaratis (from the state of Gujarat in northwestern India) speak English.

What does a Gujju (short form for Gujarati) have for breakfast?
Snakes. (Snacks)

What does an eighties Gujju wear?
Foos nu pant and smace nu shirt. (F'us pants and a Smash shirt)

What does a nineties Gujju wear?
Jins jicket, low loacket. Comb in bayck poaket, and goagles on eye soaket. (Jeans jacket, love locket, comb in back pocket, and goggles on eye socket)

20 reasons why people go mad learning English

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Being and nothingness of a woman

An English professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

'ellow, 'ellow, is anyone listening?

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Indian went to England for an interview. They were asked to form a sentence using the three words: yellow, green and pink.

The first one was the Italian: (I wake up in the morning and I see the yellow sun, the green grass and I think about myself and I hope it will be a pink day....)

The next was the French : (I wake up in the morning and I eat the yellow banana, the green pepper and I watch the pink panther on the TV....)

The last one was the Indian : (I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone "green green" and I pink up the phone and I say yellow!!

A dreadful language?

...More humor for those confused in learning English:

We'll begin with box, and the plural is boxes;
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.
Then one fowl is goose, but two are called geese
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a whole lot of mice,
But the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
When couldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
The cow in the plural may be cows or kine,
But the plural of vow is vows, not vine.
And I speak of a foot, and you show me your feet,
But I give a boot -- would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
If the singular is this and plural is these,
Why shouldn't the plural of kiss be nicknamed kese?
Then one may be that, and three may be those,
Yet the plural of hat would never be hose;
We speak of a brother, and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
The masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis, and shim!
So our English, I think you will all agree,
Is the trickiest language you ever did see.
I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble, but not you
On hiccough, thorough, slough, and through?
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps
To learn of less familiar traps?
Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead; it's said like bed, not bead;
For goodness sake, don't call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat,
(they rhyme with suite and straight and debt)
A moth is not a moth in mother.
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there.
And dear and fear for bear and pear.
And then there's dose and rose and lose --
Just look them up -- and goose and choose.
And cork and work and card and ward,
And font and front and word and sword.
And do and go, then thwart and cart.
Come, come, I've hardly made a start.
A dreadful language? Why, man alive,
I'd learned to talk it when I was five,
And yet to write it, the more I tried,
I hadn't learned it at fifty-five!

Eccentricity thy name is English!!

...If you're studying English and it confuses you, think about the confusion it has for people who grew up speaking it:

A friend sent an email forward that lists out the ecentricities of English language. Read it and have a ball.

* If pro and con are opposites, is congress the opposite of progress?

* There is no egg in eggplant, no pine or apple in pineapple, and no ham in hamburger

* English muffins weren't invented in England or French Fries in France.

* Sweet meats are candy, while sweetbreads, which aren't, are meat.

* Exploring its paradoxes, we find that quick sand works slowly, boxing rings are square, public bathrooms have no bath, and a guinea pig is neither a pig nor from Guinea.

* Why is it that as writer writes, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, humdingers don't hum and hammers don't ham?

* If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth?

* One goose, two geese -- so one moose, two meese?

* One index, two indices -- one Kleenex, two Kleenices?

* If you have a bunch of odds and ends and you get rid of all but one, what do you call it?

* If the teacher taught, why isn't it true that the preacher praught?

* If a horsehair mat is made from the hair of horses and a camel's-hair coat is made from the hair of camels, from what is a mohair coat made?

* If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

* In what other language do people drive on a parkway and park in a driveway? Recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

* How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

* How can it be hot as hell one day, and cold as hell the next?

* Have you ever seen a horsefull carriage or a strapfull gown?

* A house can burn up as it burns down. You can fill out a form by filling it in. Your alarm clock goes off by going on. When the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. When I wind my watch I start it, but when I wind up this message, I end it.